Thursday, June 3, 2010

Why Natalie/Senia think Hispanics aren't funny. By Big Rich and Iptdafoo

Ok everybody it's the moment you have been waiting for since January. Iptdafoo is making his first appearence at the picnic since his world renowned photoshop art here and his first written material since here besides his comments of course. Which by the way anytime someone comments on this blog you should probably read it. It's either going to be about saving animals or Iptdafoo.

 Ed when I think of how funny a person is I always like to use my baseball analogy. And no I'm not talking about getting to first base. My baseball analogy works like this: There are so many kinds of baseball players just like there are different kinds of funny people. You have people who hit for average. They are on base alot. They spray it around to all the fields. But they are hitting mostly singles with an occasional double. They don't strike out often. They are more of your leadoff hitter if you will. These guys have jokes. But they are one liners. Funny comments that might not make you LOL but you might SAATI (Smirk and acknowledge their intelligence.) Does that work? Then you have your power hitters. These guys swing hard and they swing often. They hit some homeruns. But with the homeruns come alot of strikeouts from swinging for the fences. Ryan Howard is this type of baseball player and I'm sure you can think of one of your friends that has this kind of style to their comedy game. Then you have the best of the best. The Albert Pujols and Joe Mauer. The guy who hits for average and power. He will keep you laughing with his one liners and interesting stories and then he'll blaze you up with a deep homer to left center. Here is my question to you. Since you have been married longer then I have maybe you have some insight into this. Why does my wife think my comedy game is like Big Papi after he stopped juicing?

As the Fernando Valenzuela of your blog I can say with the confidence of a 4 year-married guy that the wife's duty in the home is to keep people from getting killed. It's second nature for women/wives to want to keep us safe. How does this tie into our wives never cracking a smile at our super great jokes? I think it's their way of saying, "listen, I love you and in order to protect you I have keep you humble and docile or you'll run amok making a "donkey euphemism" of yourself." 

I've been known to suffer from "foot-in-mouth" disorder and she knows that REAL well about me. Constant live-on-the spot WIT is an extension of this disorder. Being a reluctant extrovert, I've been known to wild out in big groups of friends like a drunk bear. We have a coed baby shower to go to this weekend, and I'm sure she's cringing right now thinking about me acting like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber during the dream sequence where he's lighting farts with Lauren Holly's character.

They stifle, because they love. Maybe Natalie thinks you're more of a Barry Bonds than a Big Papi. She acknowledges your accomplishments but has to put an asterisk on your comedy game because she knows the inner workings of your game. How do we get our wives back on our fan club?

I like how you used the word "back" Ed. That implies that at one point our wives thought that we were funny. But I think you are correct. I remember when it used to be so simple (Wu Tang Quote.) Natalie doesn't remember this but there was one time where I made her laugh so hard that spaghetti came out of her nose, we were eating oatmeal. I know, I'm that funny. Yes there was the this place where all the jokes I said got a laugh. My limericks and puns got giggles. Even my knock knock jokes where murdering. Everything was new and fresh. This wasn't a mythical place although to get back there I would need Marty Mcfly (nobody under 23 will understand this reference.) That's right it was a place called dating. How did I manage to hide the fact that I only have six jokes and I use them on every single person I meet, I'll never know. Ed enlighten us on the differences between the jokes from your dating to your married life.

Joking while dating is a very different game than the married joke. I can only speak for myself here but my game plan when I was dating Senia was like a George W. Bush war: shock and awe! Not much quality, just quantity. To keep the baseball analogies going, it's like I turned the pitching machine to notch 11 and removed the safety net on her! I had jokes about the weather, about Adventism and potluck food, I had jokes about academy life, jokes about Nickelback. I was good back then. 4 years later, after the 300th joke about Special K loaf and growling out "Look at this photograph..." every time I take a photo, the wife gets worn down.

Maybe what we need is new material for our ladies. New relevant material. You have jokes about dirty jeans and sleeping in a pool of your own basketball sweat in the sheets you share...I have jokes about all the pills I have to take before I go to bed and my adult retainer. I'm looking at my WWPD (What Would Paradise Do) wristband right now. Alana seems enthralled with this cat and his jokes. Do you think when they do laugh nowadays they're actualy laughing AT us and not with us?

How bad do I want to hear some of those academy life jokes? How bad is it after one of the hipsters at Ivanna Cone convinces me to try their new flavor of ice cream when I am running low on pills? Real bad! (I am almost through with the poop jokes, trust me.) That's an excellent question Ed. I'm glad that you asked it. The thing about Natalie is that most of the time she is either laughing out of embarrasment or laughing at me. And you know what, thats ok with me. You see I don't think I could have been with a girl that laughs at all of my jokes. I know that sometimes we feel like we need a Yes Woman to make us feel that we are of some use in the universe. But that's the last thing you and I need my friend. If Senia continued to laugh everytime you made a joke about the Enterprise Academy open showers you would start to wonder about her. You would start to wonder about yourself. It is a humbling experience to see Natalie stone cold when I give her a gem and then later hear her cracking up to the Gilmore Girls in the basement. But every once in a while Natalie will have an honest to goodness laugh at something that I say or do. And when that happens its freakin sweet. I can go for about three solid weeks on that one laugh. It's what our marriage is built on. Solid laughs. (Not really) Thanks for having this little chat with me. I think I have gained some helpful insight. If you could let our reader(s) who think they are Tony Gwynn one last ending pearl of marriage/jokes advice what would that be.

I want to go on record and say that I think Yara Gomez is the Jennie Finch of this blog.

You are correct my friend. I actually broke up with two girls in my non-married days because they were TOO into me. They liked me more than I liked me! They thought I was HILARIOUS—like Seinfeld-Sinbad-Redd Foxx-Rodney Dangerfield-Andy Kaufmann-Lenny Bruce rolled into one muscular latino body. They were gross.

I know we've talked a lot of hyperbole here but on the real — I married the first girl that called me out on my crap. The first girl to tell me, without exaggerating when I was being a dummy. And if that means the once-every-three-weeks laugh, or the "please sit down and be quiet" eyes during a baby shower, so be it.

I'm guessing this is all for Logan right? So Logan, find the first hot chick that doesn't think your cut off jeans are hot, the first girl that doesn't religiously follow you on Twitter, the first girl who is severely disappointed with your camp impersonations of a hick, I'm talking about that magical woman that looks at you and goes, "eh." Nobody wants to hear kudos from Randy Jackson and Paula, they want to be accepted by Simon. Logan, go find a Simon and marry him/her.

Editor's note:  Ed and Senia are the first couple to be married to both host talent shows at Union from different eras.  Now that Buell hosts the talent show that stat seems to be a lock.


Yarita said...

I didn't read all of this but is there a reason you misspelled "our" ... cuz you have "ARE wives"

iptdafoo said...

Look like Yara missed her shout-out.

Yarita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yarita said...

Ok one... I have to just say... if you are going to buy a puppy... adopt... don't buy from doggy store... say no to puppy mills...

2. At first I thought ed was calling me a lesbian... then I realized... baseball but for girls... ah HA!

and finally... rich... you are funny... when I hear new things... But if I have to hear the taco bed story, the yo wit story, or the story of how you and natalie met (i know that isn't supposed to be funny.. but you have told me 9203572035 times...i get it... she hated you now she loves you) I WILL slap you...

can you come tell Jairo the joke about the best way to die (skydiving your bungie jumping) cuz i tried... FAIL

Miriam said...

lol at Yara's last comment...